September, 2005

My son and I were going to go fly the model airplane a few weeks ago but the weather was somewhat less than optimal for a remote-controlled plane. Yes, there’s nothing quite like a hurricane or two to put a damper on your plans for the weekend. Oh, well, at least we were more fortunate than those living on the Gulf Coast.

While having two hurricanes back-to-back like that is certainly rare, (well, unless you consider last year…hmm, do I see a pattern developing here?) it did give me an opportunity to make some rather astute observations that I’d like to share with you; I call them “The 5 Stages of Dealing with a Hurricane”. I’ll be giving you a description and some of the symptoms of each so you’ll be able to easily identify them for yourself during the next “event”. (Apparently, hurricanes are referred to as “Events” now.)

And so, I present to you The 5 Stages of Dealing with a Hurricane:

Stage 1: Denial.

Description: This stage begins when a tropical wave is reported and lasts as it continues to strengthen into a tropical storm.

Symptoms: TV Weather people say things like “A new tropical wave formed today” or “We’re keeping our eye on it.” You try to remember where you stored the hurricane shutters last year. You say things like “I don’t believe it!” or “Not again!” 

Stage 2: Anger.

Description: Uh-oh! It’s a hurricane! This stage is quite easy to identify but difficult to gauge since you can alternate between Anger and Denial frequently as the storm looks like it’s heading for Bermuda one minute and straight for your house the next.

Symptoms: TV Weather people say things like “Head for the hills” or “Get out of Dodge”. You go to the garage to see if you can find the hurricane shutters. You say things like “This house has stood up to 40 years of hurricanes – I’m not moving for some wussy little category 1 hurricane!”

Stage 3: Bargaining.

Description: That wussy little category 1 hurricane is now a category 2 – and strengthening. You desperately search eBay in a vain attempt to find a portable generator but are outbid every time at the last minute by some guy with the alias “BNorcross2005”.

Symptoms: You run into Bryan Norcross at The Home Depot buying the last portable generator in stock. People think you are having a garage sale because of all the junk you have taken out of it in a vain attempt to find your hurricane shutters. (Good news! You make $5 selling some idiot a box of rusty bolts.) You call your brother-in-law in Toledo and offer to buy him a case of Bud Lite if he’ll FedEx you his portable generator. You say things like “Pack the van, Judith! We’re moving to Montana!”

Stage 4: Depression.

Description: You are doomed. It’s a category 3. You realize that, even if you could afford one, there’s not a single portable generator for sale south of Grand Rapids. You don’t even have any “D” batteries for your flashlight.

Symptoms: The TV Weather-people are being pelted by wind, rain and sand while they stand outside as the storm approaches; they say “hunker down” a lot. You found the hurricane shutters (in the shed) but then realized you sold the bolts to attach them to the house for $5 during the “garage sale.” You cover the windows with masking tape. You call your brother-in-law in Toledo back and offer him FOUR cases of Bud Lite if he’ll FedEx you his portable generator. You say things like “This is all your fault Judith! If it weren’t for your mother we’d be living in Minnesota right now!”

Stage 5: Acceptance.

Description: This stage is most easily identified by the fact that your power went out six hours ago and you are sitting in the dark since you don’t have a portable generator or any “D” batteries.

Symptoms: If you HAD a portable generator, you’d hear the TV Weather people saying things like “We’re not out of the woods yet.” Instead, you hear the Radio Weather people say things like “We’re not out of the woods yet.” (At least you remembered the “C” batteries for the radio.) You hear the Royal Poinciana tree fall on the shed - destroying both it AND the hurricane shutters. You think to yourself “Maybe a KEG of Bud Lite…” and you contemplate beating Bryan Norcross on the head with your flashlight but realize that it would be pointless since it’s not much of a weapon without any batteries in it. 

So, there you have it – The 5 Stages of Dealing with a Hurricane. I hope these will be useful to you in the event that we…Oh, No! Don’t tell me there’s another tropical depression in the news! Sally! Pack the van – we’re moving to Wisconsin!

If you made any astute observations during the hurricane(s) or just want to sell me my bolts back, feel free to e-mail me at .