June, 2006

“Hey, Dad, am I gonna be like you when I grow up?” my son asked me the other day. Somewhat at a loss for words, I replied “If you study hard, get good grades, go to college and then manage to find a job then it’s possible, yes.” “No”, he continued, “I mean, will I LOOK like you or Grandfather? Or maybe Papa?” (We use ‘Grandfather’ and ‘Papa’ to differentiate between my father and my wife’s father at our house.)

“Well, I suppose you could end up looking like any of us. You could even look like Mom” I said. Noticing the concerned look on his face, I quickly added “But probably not like Mom”. Since it was Father’s Day, this conversation took me back to when our children were born. Why, I remember it like it was only yesterday…

To tell you the truth, I’m somewhat envious of my father. The way he tells it, back when I was born the fathers-to-be would drive their expectant wives to the hospital, slow to under 5 MPH, open the door and shove them out. A nurse would then wheel the mother into the hospital and, in a day or so when the mother and baby were ready to come home, the father was called to come pick them up and away they went. The proud father then dropped the mother and baby off at home and went golfing with his buddies and they all smoked cigars.

Another, perhaps more common, misconception about the father’s role in the birth is depicted in many old TV shows like “I Love Lucy”. In this version, the expectant fathers smoke cigarettes and pace around aimlessly in the waiting room as they await word on the impending blessed event. After a few hours, a nurse comes in and tells the guy that his wife has just had triplets and he comically faints.

Neither of these accounts is anywhere NEAR what actually goes on in delivery rooms today. To begin with, the father is expected to be an active participant in the entire “birthing experience.” They even have classes that you have to go to in preparation for the big day. Contrary to anything you’ve seen on The Discovery Channel (where women in Tanzamanga are out working in the rice paddies, feel a ‘twinge’, squat on a banana leaf and five minutes later have a perfectly healthy baby) these classes emphasize the fact that there are THOUSANDS of things that can go wrong during pregnancy.

Of course, nothing speaks louder than experience so I thought it might be helpful for any expectant fathers out there for me to share my own personal insights into what they can expect to see in the delivery room.

 Here’s what to expect during your first child’s delivery:

1. The Fetal Monitor – This is a device that has a bunch of wires taped all over your wife’s body that is constantly monitoring the baby’s heartbeat and other vital functions. It makes a constant ‘whooshing’ sound and every time it changes you press the button to call the nurse to make sure everything is OK.
2. The Epidural – This is an IV bag that delivers pain killers directly to your wife’s spinal column. Fiddle with it at your peril.
3. Visitors – Since this is your first child, you’ll probably want to be alone with your wife during the entire delivery. You should check the doctor’s ID to make sure he is really supposed to be there.
4. The Chair – Modern delivery rooms have a chair for you to sit in. Since this is your first delivery, you’re so nervous that you can’t sit for more than two minutes because you want to see everything going on around you.
5. The Impending Delivery – As the delivery progresses, the nurses will tell you all about what is going on in an attempt to determine if you are still conscious.
6. The “big moment” – When the baby finally arrives, the nurses will do whatever they need to do, wrap the baby in a blanket and then present it to you with this “TRY NOT TO DROP IT!” look in their eyes.

After the first child, things generally improve:

1. The Fetal Monitor – If you push the button with the picture of the speaker on it it will shut up.
2. The Epidural – Ask your wife if she prefers Skyy or Grey Goose vodka in hers.
3. Visitors – It’s quite probable that you’ll tell the janitor that it’s OK to wax the floors in the room. In fact, he can unplug the Fetal Monitor to plug in the floor buffer.
4. The Chair – Since you remember what happened the last time, you try to stay seated in the chair so as to avoid seeing what’s going on around you.
5. The Impending Delivery – As the delivery progresses, the nurses will invite to you look at the head of the baby as it is emerging in an attempt to settle a bet they have as to whether you’ll faint or not. It’s OK to take a quick glance but try to keep one hand on the chair so you don’t actually faint. I fully intended to say something cool like “That is SO AWESOME!” but I think they heard “That’s SO GROSS!” At least I didn’t faint.
6. The “big moment” – When the baby finally arrives, the nurses will try to get you to do their job for them by asking if you want to cut the umbilical cord. DON’T FALL FOR IT! Here’s a true story: When our daughter was born, the nurse made me walk all the way across the room to cut the umbilical cord. She handed me a pair of what I assumed were surgically-sharp scissors to perform the task. Now, I was under the impression that EVERYTHING connected with a newborn infant was fragile so I gingerly attempted to cut the cord without inadvertently severing her head. Imagine my surprise to learn that cutting the umbilical cord is like cutting a leather belt in half with a spoon. (Apparently, we need better insurance. Like the kind that pays the DOCTOR to cut the umbilical cord.)

I hope this information will be useful to any expectant fathers our there. Unfortunately for me, my daughter now has questions of her own. “Daddy, am I going to be like Paris Hilton when I grow up?” she asked.

We can only hope not.

Feel free to send your own childbirth experiences to ChucksCorner@ComCast.net. Or, better yet, keep them to yourself.