February, 2003

Ok, everyone put your books under your desks, it’s “Pop Quiz” time! (Oh, relax, it’s multiple choice.)

Which of the following is a valid use of duck (or ‘duct’, if you prefer) tape:

A: Affixing a muffler to your car.

B: Increasing the fluid-handling capacity of Pampers.

C. Splicing electric wires together.

D. Holding plastic sheeting to your windows to protect yourself against a terrorist biological attack.

E. None of the above.

Bzzt! Time’s up. Everyone put your pencils down. Now, Billy, why don’t you tell us your answer?

Billy: “My dad has 3 pickup trucks in our front yard and they have duct tape all over them. Heck, he’s even got them duck-taped to the blocks they’re sitting on. It must be ‘A’.”

No, I’m sorry Billy. I know your dad says it’s OK to do this but, believe me, vehicle maintenance is generally not enhanced by the use of duck tape. How about you, Susie, what was your answer?

Susie: “Whenever my mom goes to the store and leaves my dad in charge, he always duck-tapes my baby sister’s diapers to her. He says it’s allows them to expand and hold more so we save money on diapers but I think it’s just so he can finish watching the game and wait until my mommy gets home so she has to change them. It must be ‘B’!”

No, Susie. That’s not correct. Your little sister could get a bad diaper rash because of that. And remind me to call DCF about your father. How about you, Jimmy?

Jimmy: “We put an addition on our house last weekend and my dad let me help him with the wiring. We used duck tape all over the place. I think it’s ‘C’.”

Ooh, nice try but that’s not right either. In fact, that sounds dangerous. Someone could get hurt doing that. By the way, why were you late this morning?

Jimmy: “I wanted to watch the fire trucks. They were neat-o.”

Umm, I see.  How about you, Tom, what was your answer?

Tom: “I want to make something very, very clear at this point. We do not want individuals or families to start sealing their doors or windows but the answer is ‘D’”.

Tom, that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Could we please get an answer from someone who’s not a complete idiot…

Tom: “I’m serious! Do you remember the 1950 Civil Defense film ’Duck and Cover’? In it, citizens were advised to duck under their desks and cover their heads in the event of an attack. Well, they were close, they just had it backwards. It should have been ‘Cover and Duck.’

Excuse me?

Tom: “That’s right, if you just cover your windows with plastic sheeting and then duck-tape it in place, you’ll be safe.”

That’s enough out of you, Tom. Now you march right down to the Principal’s office until you can learn to stop fooling around in class.

Well, class, now that we’ve had enough tomfoolery, I suppose you realize that the correct answer to our little quiz is ‘F’. What’s that you say? There was no ‘F’ answer? That because it was a trick question!

That’s right, the proper use of duck tape is to cover your television set with it so you can’t get any more silly ideas of things to do with duck tape.