April, 2004 

As you might recall, last month I provided you with a warning about that new Glad “Press-N-Seal”™ plastic wrap that my wife and I bought. It’s pretty much not good for anything so when we went shopping the next week we bought a box of “plain old” Reynolds plastic wrap. Unfortunately - as luck would have it - it wasn’t just “plain old” plastic wrap. No, it was the new and allegedly improved “Reynolds PREMIUM Plastic Wrap with the EZ Slide Cutter” ™. 

I don’t want to waste a lot of space here telling you what a lousy product THIS is, so I’ll just give you the highlights.

Basically, with “normal” plastic wrap, you just pull out a piece of wrap that’s the approximate size you need and then just gently pull it down against the cutting edge. Presto! You’ve got a piece of plastic wrap ready to go. Simple, right? 

Apparently it’s not simple enough because when you’re using “Reynolds PREMIUM Plastic Wrap with the EZ Slide Cutter” ™ you just pull out a piece of wrap that’s the approximate size you need and then LET GO OF IT so you can slide the stupid little cutting thing over the plastic wrap to cut it. Well, guess what happens when you let go of the end of the plastic wrap? DUH! It folds back all over itself and becomes a wadded, useless mess. This is a stupid idea. Whoever thought of it should be pilloried. (Go look it up.)

And don’t get me started on those rolls of paper towels that have an extra perforation that allows you to tear off just half a sheet. Do you ever GET just half a sheet? NO! You always end up with one and a half sheets – which is three times more paper towel than you wanted in the first place.

Yes, it’s becoming really inconvenient to use these new ‘convenient’ products. It’s almost as if the companies that manufacture them are intentionally trying to think up new ways to make us waste the stuff just so we’ll have to buy more. Oh, wait…

So, anyway, here I am stuck with two rolls of plastic wrap that are pretty much useless and I’m trying to think of a clever way to dispose of them without just throwing them away. The first thing that came to mind was that my mom would probably like the roll of “Press N Seal”™ since she still has a closet full of plastic sheeting and duct tape that she insisted on buying back when Tom Ridge said it was “The Bomb” when it comes to protecting yourself against Anthrax. (This was probably a bad choice of words on his part.)

I figure that a roll of “Press N Seal”™ will be just as effective a barrier and you won’t have to store both the plastic AND the duct tape since it’s self-adhesive. Imagine: just tear off pieces of plastic and then press them over your doors and windows. It’s not just a plastic wrap – it’s an instant bio-terrorism shield! (Glad should hire ME to do their advertising.)

So that takes care of one roll. Now, what to do with the other one? If you go back a few months you’ll remember that my wife took the kids on a shopping spree while I was in California on a business trip. Upon my return, I was greeted at the door by a yapping puppy.

And this wasn’t just any puppy either…no, this was “Jack” the PUG. (“The Pug of the Baskervilles” is more like it!) I don’t care WHAT you’ve seen in the commercials – it is my esteemed opinion that Pugs were bred to be agents of Satan.

Oh sure, they look SOOO cute running up and down the escalators on TV but, believe me, in real life the escalators would have jammed up and stopped working from all of the hair the dog shed while running around on them. And if the hair doesn’t do it, then I’m sure that their - how shall I put this delicately? -  um, “special deliveries” will.

Yes, these dogs are like little ninja “special deliverers”. You never see them or hear them enter the room. You just get up off the couch or climb out of bed and there it is: a little “special delivery” just for you. Quite frankly, I’m amazed that such a little dog can make so many “deliveries” in such a short time span. (Likewise, I’m amazed that a dog with such an apparent lack of hair can shed so much.)

So I think I’ve found a use for the box of “Reynolds PREMIUM Plastic Wrap with the EZ Slide Cutter”™. I’m going to pull out the whole roll (bypassing the need to use the stupid little “cutting thing”) and wrap the dog in it. That should take care of both the shedding and the “special deliveries” once and for all.

Come to think of it, maybe I should just wrap my wife’s credit cards in plastic wrap…just to avoid any “special deliveries” in the future.