April, 2006

I read an article the other day – I think it was in The Miami Herald - about how some Miami motorists were “furious” about paying so much for gas. It turns out they were REALLY upset because they were buying gas from a station that was charging 60 cents more per gallon than the station across the street. “I feel like I’m being robbed” one driver was quoted as saying.

I know what you’re thinking – you’re thinking “Surely this can’t be true!” but I swear I am not making this up. I had to re-read it a couple of times myself to make sure that I hadn’t misinterpreted something but there it was: these people were mad about spending an extra 60 cents per gallon for gas when all they had to do was cross the street to buy it at the lower price. And you wonder why the rest of the country thinks we’re all a bunch of idiots down here in Flori-duh?

Speaking of idiots, I’ve been noticing for a while now that the drivers in South Florida tend to be less than, shall we say, “good”. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the drivers down here are just plain lousy. As a public service, I’ve spent the past few years trying to identify a pattern that will enable me to determine in advance that a particular driver might not be particularly competent. Some of the variables that I’ve investigated include:

1. Cell phone in one hand, coffee cup in the other.
2. Just pulled out of The Pilot House bar.
3. Stops at red light, then continues through it anyway.
4. Turns on emergency flashing lights at first sign of rain or when spritzed by lawn sprinkler.

I’ll spare you the remainder of my list of stupid behaviors that I’ve investigated but when it comes down to it, the ONE thing that I’ve found that will positively identify the driver in front of me as a complete moron is: The letters J-E-T-T-A on the rear of the vehicle. (Note: If you drive a Jetta and disagree with this assessment of your driving ability, then you are living in a state of denial…you are a bad driver and everybody but you knows it.)

I don’t know what it is about these cars but I do know that I have NEVER seen a single one of them being operated in a “normal” manner. They are either going too slow or too fast or are weaving in and out of traffic at an alarming rate. What is with these people? I’m serious. Jetta drivers are the worst ones on the road.

Now, you might ask “Chuck, how can one particular brand or model of vehicle be more likely to be poorly driven than another?” I think part of the problem might stem from the name of the car. I mean, seriously - who wouldn’t look at the name “Jetta” and not associate it with a speeding airplane? Unfortunately, the only thing these cars appear to have in common with airplanes is, um…nothing. Well, OK – tires. Airplanes and Jettas both have tires. But that’s where the similarities stop.

Apparently, I’m not the only one to notice that Jetta drivers shouldn’t be behind the wheel of ANY vehicle either. In fact, the problem is so bad that Volkswagen (who manufactures them) has taken the extra step of reinforcing them in order to protect the driver and passengers. At least that’s the conclusion I’ve reached based on the TV commercials for Jettas that I’ve seen recently. Perhaps you’ve seen them too? There are at least two or three different versions but they all feature a Jetta full of people driving down the road. As they are riding along, the people inside are all yammering on about something or other and the driver is visibly distracted. By the end of the commercial, the Jetta has been wrecked but the people are all safe and standing around the smoldering ruins in a state of shock saying “Holy…!”

Talk about “mixed messages”! On one hand, they’re implying that the people driving their cars aren’t the best drivers in the world but then they imply “Hey! No problem! We’ll protect you from yourselves!” (I’ve noticed that – at least so far – none of these cars has been hit by a train.)

So there you have it: indisputable evidence that the next time you’re driving down the road and you see J-E-T-T-A on the rear of the car in front of you then it’s time for you to grab your camera because something bad is about to happen. I, personally, use this knowledge for my own financial gain. Every day on the way to lunch I keep an eye out for Jettas. As soon as I see one I’ll say something to the other people in the car like “$5 says that car will run the red light” or “$10 says that guy will try to make a right turn from the left lane across 4 lanes of traffic.” (I haven’t used my own money for lunch since 2004.)