December 24, 1998

As a special Christmas treat for you, the reader, I have decided to give you the week off. That's right, we won't be discussing computers this week. Instead, I have decided to talk about something more 'Christmassy'. Specifically, I thought it would be nice to talk about children. That's right – children.

If there's one thing that really livens up the holidays it's got to be children. They say the cutest things - things like "Doggie ate Furby!", "Daddy, Daddy, DADDY!!!" and "I want that!" We've heard the last phrase so often for the past two months that our TV set is now 'broken'. (Broken in that it only works after 8:00 when the kids are in bed.)

Very young children can also be amusing in their own way. Amusing, yet stressful. Our youngest child, Sarah, is just beginning to speak (I use the word loosely). It's very exciting, yet I find it causing a strain in my relationship with my wife since I am beginning to suspect that the child is not mine. In fact, I am beginning to suspect that the child is not even human! To the best of my knowledge, the only people to make the types of sounds that Sarah is attempting to pass off as speech are Klingons. To make matters worse, she is quite insistent that her 'speech' is intelligible by us Earth people. For example: she'll say something like "Tock gth nich bwum! Guk! Guk!" If I say "What?" she looks at me as if I were the alien and repeats "Tock gth nich bwum! Guk! Guk!!! Mach schnell!!!" Of course, she has learned to pronounce perfectly the one word that every woman will need to know in her later years: "MINE!" (I suppose "I want half!" and "Don't talk to me, talk to my lawyer!" will be next.)

In addition to the talking, Sarah is also at the age when she will soon begin potty training. Potty training, for those of you with a life (I mean, without kids) is when you teach your child all about 'potty'. We learned several lessons ourselves when our older child, Danny, was being potty trained. Important lessons like:

1. Be sure to emphasize that 'Potty' is not any of the following: A toy, an artistic medium, dog food.

2. Potty soiled diapers are best disposed of immediately by following ISO-9000 standard procedures for dealing with hazardous waste.

3. The potty chair's removable bowl is not a hat.

We also learned that young children are not all that particular about location when it comes to, uh, "eliminating waste". I mean, as an adult, you would naturally assume that they would know that they're supposed to use the 'potty chair' for potty. But they are content to use any place that happens to be convenient – behind the shed, in the living room, next to the avocado tree, etc.

And speaking of "potty training" in the news, it seems that our good friend Joe Carollo has a special Christmas gift for all of us dads. It seems he was recently at some 'event' when his baby soiled its diaper. Upon entering the men's room to assess the damage, he discovered that there was no diaper changing station available. Of course, most normal fathers know that the diaper changing station is in the ladies room where it belongs. Naturally, his first reaction, as a politician, was to decree that 'diaper stations' should be installed in every men's room in Dade County (We do not say 'Miami-Dade County' in this column).

And before all of the women in the audience run out to write nasty letters to the editor, let me hasten to explain that there is a good reason that men shouldn't be allowed to change diapers: We are not capable of doing it properly. To begin with, for men, there are only three instances when a diaper should be changed:

1. It's total mass exceeds that of the baby wearing it.

2. It begins leaking toxic substances.

3. Its 'essence' approximates that of your high school locker room.

(Professional fathers know that the 'essence' problem can be solved by moving said baby outdoors, where it has room to 'breathe'.)

To add to the problem, modern diapers are constructed with materials that distract men from the task at hand. Look at them – they've got stuff like 'Duct tape' and Velcro all over them. Here's an example of what happens when a typical man changes a diaper:

Father: "Hello, (baby's name here)! Does (baby's name here, too) need a new diaper? Of course you doooo! That diaper's total mass exceeds yours! Let Daddy change you...Hmmm...let's see, this tab has 'loops' on it and this part of the diaper...hey! This is like Velcro! I'll bet I can use these to hold up my rake in the garage!"

(Five minutes later)

Mother: "Honey?"

Father (muted, as if in the garage): "Yes, dear?"

Mother: "Why is the baby running around naked?"

There's also actual physical evidence (as far as I'm concerned) that men and women relate to child rearing differently. For example: Sarah, who is not even two years old, will lovingly wrap her dolls in a blanket, give them a bottle and brush their hair. Danny, who is four, will throw the baby at the dog, make it fly about the room like an F-14 or use it as a gun. Inevitably, the baby meets with a fiery end and explodes.

My advice to Joe Carollo is to leave diaper changing to the professionals before someone is seriously hurt.

Disclaimer: Since my youngest child is almost past the stage where she will require a 'diaper changing station', I have no vested interest in whether or not Joe Carollo's idea to infest men's rooms all over Miami with such stations is ever brought to fruition. I mention this only as a public service for people like my good friends Mark and his wife, Holly, who are eagerly awaiting the arrival of their first child. (OK, it's mostly for people like Mark.)

Merry Christmas, Everyone. And keep the dog away from Furby.

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